I Don’t Feel Beautiful Anymore (Poem 5)

I woke up this morning and thought,
I don’t feel beautiful anymore.
I don’t know when it changed,
but, you did this,
you gave me this anymore.
Instead of strong and whole and beautiful
I feel weak and fractured and nothing
The opposite of beautiful isn’t ugly
It’s nothing
Beauty is a feeling you feel
It’s a perception you have about yourself
Something other people do or don’t have about you
Absence, of that place of feeling and perception
Is nothing
I feel nothing
I feel incapable of loving the fractured thing I’ve become
I look at me,
and I am too broken to register this sad thing in the mirror is light’s perception of me.
Because light is all that perceives me anymore,
and it has no opinion.
I’m left only with light’s perception
and my own nothingness
I don’t feel beautiful anymore.
I feel nothing.
What I would give,
for just one day,
to even feel ugly.
Maybe then I stand a chance
at changing my perception.
Feelings change all the time, but, nothingness,
nothingness stays.
You can’t scoop out nothingness.
You can’t change it into something.
Only fill it with something more.
The problem is I had it almost filled before you showed up.
I was filling it with me and life and struggle.
Then you came and ate everything inside.
You curled yourself up there
for your own
warmth and comfort.
Which was fine,
until you weren’t there anymore,
and I came out with even less.
I can’t find a way to fill the nothingness you left.
Like a jelly donut you sucked out the jelly filling and threw away the fried piece of nothing used to transport it.
Now I can’t figure out how to fill myself up again.
I don’t feel beautiful anymore.
I wish I felt ugly.
All I have left

Is nothing.

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